Hey all,

A few days ago I told you about the fact that my uncle is possibly going to die within a few months. It's still hard to think about that, but slowly I'm dealing with it. I know we'll just have to ewdnesday until we hear the final results of several test the doctors have done, so then we'll know for sure what's going to happen and how they will treat him. I guess right now I'm just waiting to see what's going to happen. Maybe it will "kick in" later......

My mother isn't dealing with it as good as I had hoped. My father told me yesterday she's suddenly forgetting things she would never forget and she's doing things (not) that she wouldn't normally do or that she would normally do. And it's all since we've heard about Eric. I'm surprised that someone who's usually so in control of everything (she's close to being a control freak) is so losing it right now. And Eric is still living and relatively good (if you see what I mean)........ I'm worried for the coming months. About what she will do en don't and how she will cope with it. Dad told me she's smoking a lot again and that she's drinking a lot again too. And this while she was on a good way with less smoking and drinking. I don't know what to do.......

At the same time I wonder about myself. Right now it seems I'm handling things almost alright and in a "cool" way. Althoug it has been a shock, I'm not "in shock". It still going pretty good. Will it indeed "kick in" later on and will I be able to cope with it, or have I lost so many people already (rector at school, friends, collegues, teachers) that I've learned to cope with it already? I don't know. Is this hard? Or is this just my way of dealin with things? I don't know. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Our visit to my parents yesterday did learn me something though. You could say that, in a way, my mother is addicted to drinking and smoking. She doesn't see it that way. And I know she has shown she can drink and smoke less when she really wants it, but right now she's using this things as a solution for her problem. If I picture that onto myself I see some kind of comparison. I don't drink and I don't smoke, but I do eat a lot of candy (chocolate) and I tend to eat it more when I'm unhappy or when things are not going right. Am I using this the same way as my mom does? If so, how can I get myself to not doing this anymore? Do have to treat myself as a chocoholic? And how do I do this? I don't know.
Maybe the reason I've never started drinking or smoking is that I don't want to loose my self control. But in essence, in eating this much candy, I am losing my self control. That's not good. Ihave gained a lot of weight in the last ten years. I keep telling myself this is due to all the medication I need and due to several health problems I have had. Partially this is true. I have used medication of which it is now know that you can gain weight. But partially it just isn't true. I have not done any sports (intensely) the last couple of years and I do eat way too much. I have to put a stop to this. But how? I guess the first step is recognizing it and that's what I have done now. But then what...... I think I'm gonna do a research on the internet and I'm gonna take up sports again. It's not only in general good for my health, but it's also good for my weight loss. And then? I don't know. I'm taking one step at a time!

Talk to you later!