Hey all,

Today we said goodbye for the last time to my greaat-aunt. It's weird knowing she won't be here anymore, but it's good to know her suffering has finally ended.

The memorial service was good. It was emotional, as is every service of thiskind, but it was good. I'm glad I was there.

I have nothing more to say at the moment.

Talk to you later.

Babbled by Ilse at 7:43 AM
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Hey all,

Well, the moment was finally there this morning. At 09:20 (GMT+1) my great-aunt has finally passed away. Of course we're sad about it, but we know she finally doesn't have any pain anymore. My dad was able to fullfill his promise to her and he stayed with her until she had died. One aunt of mine stayed with her too, as did my mom. I was in a meeting at the time and they called when she had just died. We're all glad that there has come an end to her suffering. However the way it went, we're not at all glad about it. She has had to suffer 12 more days until she could finally seek peace. It's incredible how "care-takers" can act.

In the end there wasn't really a lot I could do, besides being there for my family. I've helped writing the cards and we've posted them yesterday. If all goes well, everyone should get the the cards about her death today or at the latest tomorrow. Her funeral will be Tuesday in the afternoon. I think I'll go to her funeral.

It will be strange, though, since we're leaving for Switerserland the next day for a short holiday. Right now it all still feels weird.

Talk to you later.

Babbled by Ilse at 1:44 PM
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Hey all,

My great-aunt is still alive, although barely. She hasn't eaten anything anymore since Sunday. We do give her something to drink, but it's nothing then a few drops on her lips. The hospital said that given her something in a glas will have the risk tha it gets into her lungs instead of somewhere else resulting in many more problems. So, she's only getting a little bit to drink. Due to this she's a bit disoriented. I was in the hospital yesterday to check on her. She was just turned on her other side and it caused her pain. I could see that in her eyes. And she doesn't like it when someone's leaving. She had tears in her eyes when I left yesterday. It was a tough thing to do, but I knew James was waiting for me at home. Today he's going to sport, so he'll be home later. That means I can stay in the hospital longer. I know she likes the company, although she can't say it anymore. She does express it with her eyes.

This situation is a little strange. I'm waiting for the phone call in which they tell my great-aunt has died or that it's going to happen soon. In the meantime I'm at work and doing the normal things. It's weird.......

I have done some scrapping last weekend and this week. I'll show the pictures tonight. I'm finally getting through all my roles of photos. I have four more roles to go and then a few more photos of the role I'm working with now. I don't think I'll have it done by the time we go to Switzerland, but I hope I will have done the major part of it. And I AM taking my photocamera to Switzerland. I can't just not do it, while it's a country where I've never been before! Okay, its just for five days, but still.......

I've weight myself this morning again. I haven't been paying much attention to what I'm eating,w ith the result that I've gained a few kilo's again. I weigh 78,5 kilo's now. It's not good, I now that. So I'm gonna keep up with my eating diary again. Also I want to look for menu that will contribute to lossing weight and not undermining my health. And I've started weighing everything for diner. This has two effects:
1: I won't make more then we eat, which makes a difference in the costs.
2: I can make sure we do eat enough of everything we need to eat.
I'm gonna make more changes, but I don't know what yet. I'll let you know.......

Talk to you later!

Babbled by Ilse at 12:55 PM
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Hey all,

My great-aunt is in the hospital. She hasn't been well for a very long time. She's suffering from dementia with the consequence that her health is going bad more and more. She's not eating or drinking out of her own, so she needs to be pushed to do this. She can't walk anymore, so she needs a wheelchair and things are getting worse.

In the night from sunday on monday she slipped into a deep coma, due to dehydration and lack of food. She is in a special care house, but they just don't have enough people nor the quality of care she needs. My father was at her wake. She had expressed to my father, last year, that she was afraid to die. He told her he couldn't make the journey with her, but he would be there for her to guide her to her journey. I think its a beautiful thing to do. She had also said she didn't want to live anymore if it would mean she would almost be a plant in a bed.
And when you know she has suffered so much, you also know there comes a time when you have to let her go. So the people in the house had agreed to "let her die". It was not active euthanasia, as no one was giving her any medication or anything else. It was decided (by the family and the people in the "care"house) that, if she would slip into a coma, no doctor would be called. However, that night a lady from "Thebe Thuiszorg" (a third party health organisation) came along and decided my great-aunt had to be rushed to the hospital (despite her own wishes) and that doctors needed to take care for her and not let her die. The doctors got her out of her coma indeed...... But it's no life. She still can't drink or eat herself. We have to feed her and she has decubitus wounds all over her body.

I was at the hospital yesterday and the day before yesterday to visit her. She hardly recognises anyone and she can't talk. The doctors had no prognoses for her to tell us yesterday. All they could say was that they would take care for her until she was good enough to go back to the "care-house" where she came from in such bad state. Can you believe that? Right now my father, my mother and a niece of my mother are taking of her in turns. The doctors and nurses say it's best if someone of the family stays with her all the time, despite the visiting hours. That's how bad she is at the moment.

Today my mom told me the doctors don't expect that she will live until monday. At least that's what they expected this morning. Everyone in the family hopes, for the sake of my great-aunt, it will all be over soon so that she doesn't has to suffer anymore. Right now I'm just waiting for the call that she's passed away. I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand she's my great-aunt, someone I didn't have very close contact with. On the other hand I have visited her quite some times the last 10 - 15 years. I remember how she was when she was in a very good state, not suffering from dementia and all other things. I do know she deserves to have an end to her suffering, but I also know she's afraid to die. So what's best? In the end I think it'best for her if she dies soon, rather then later. Later would mean more unneccessary suffering and pain.

We'll just wait and see........

Babbled by Ilse at 1:31 PM
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Hey all,

Today we received very good news about Eric. While the doctors had hardly any hope last week, this week it all changed. More tests have been done and it turns out he has no cancer elsewhere then in his bladder. He still has to be treated for this, but the expectation now is that he will recover! Well, is this good news, or isn't it? We're all so happy, thrilled and excited! It's such a relieve!

Talk to you later!

Babbled by Ilse at 8:12 AM
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Hey all,

A few days ago I told you about the fact that my uncle is possibly going to die within a few months. It's still hard to think about that, but slowly I'm dealing with it. I know we'll just have to ewdnesday until we hear the final results of several test the doctors have done, so then we'll know for sure what's going to happen and how they will treat him. I guess right now I'm just waiting to see what's going to happen. Maybe it will "kick in" later......

My mother isn't dealing with it as good as I had hoped. My father told me yesterday she's suddenly forgetting things she would never forget and she's doing things (not) that she wouldn't normally do or that she would normally do. And it's all since we've heard about Eric. I'm surprised that someone who's usually so in control of everything (she's close to being a control freak) is so losing it right now. And Eric is still living and relatively good (if you see what I mean)........ I'm worried for the coming months. About what she will do en don't and how she will cope with it. Dad told me she's smoking a lot again and that she's drinking a lot again too. And this while she was on a good way with less smoking and drinking. I don't know what to do.......

At the same time I wonder about myself. Right now it seems I'm handling things almost alright and in a "cool" way. Althoug it has been a shock, I'm not "in shock". It still going pretty good. Will it indeed "kick in" later on and will I be able to cope with it, or have I lost so many people already (rector at school, friends, collegues, teachers) that I've learned to cope with it already? I don't know. Is this hard? Or is this just my way of dealin with things? I don't know. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Our visit to my parents yesterday did learn me something though. You could say that, in a way, my mother is addicted to drinking and smoking. She doesn't see it that way. And I know she has shown she can drink and smoke less when she really wants it, but right now she's using this things as a solution for her problem. If I picture that onto myself I see some kind of comparison. I don't drink and I don't smoke, but I do eat a lot of candy (chocolate) and I tend to eat it more when I'm unhappy or when things are not going right. Am I using this the same way as my mom does? If so, how can I get myself to not doing this anymore? Do have to treat myself as a chocoholic? And how do I do this? I don't know.
Maybe the reason I've never started drinking or smoking is that I don't want to loose my self control. But in essence, in eating this much candy, I am losing my self control. That's not good. Ihave gained a lot of weight in the last ten years. I keep telling myself this is due to all the medication I need and due to several health problems I have had. Partially this is true. I have used medication of which it is now know that you can gain weight. But partially it just isn't true. I have not done any sports (intensely) the last couple of years and I do eat way too much. I have to put a stop to this. But how? I guess the first step is recognizing it and that's what I have done now. But then what...... I think I'm gonna do a research on the internet and I'm gonna take up sports again. It's not only in general good for my health, but it's also good for my weight loss. And then? I don't know. I'm taking one step at a time!

Talk to you later!

Babbled by Ilse at 1:33 PM
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Hey all,

I just heard today that my uncle (Eric) has got a very nasty form of cancer. We already knew he had a tumor, which was removed last friday, but we didn't know yet what form of cancer it was nor if it had spread already. Now we know that he has one of the most lethal forms of cancer. The expectation is that it has spread already, with a chance it has spread to his bones. In that case he won't have that much longer to live. Or so everybody thinks.

18 Years ago Eric has had cancer too and he has overcome that, while it was widely spread throughout his body. And now he's got cancer again. It's not fair. He's just a few years older then my mother ad she's pretty shocked by this. Knowing that it's possible that Eric has got the same risk as my grandfather (tumor in the brains which spread widely, also into the bones), is just too much for her. My grandfather died of the cancer he had (albeit that this was 20 years ago). Once it had spread to his bones it was just a couple of months before he died.
I have another uncle who has had cancer, but he survived it. Unfortunately we don't have any contact anymore. I wonder if it wouldn't be better if we would contact him, but my mother thinks it's not good.

Naturaly Mark (my brother) and I went to see my mum this evening when we got the news. We have to support her in this. James and my dad were working on the boat, so they were home later on this evening. Mom couldn't reach dad on his cellphone, but I could reach James on his cellphone and I told them about the bad news we got. They wrapped things up and came home.
Normally mom does drink some glasses of wine, but this evening she drank quite a lot. She was, it's kinda hard to say, really drunk. I hope she'll cope with things better when time passes on. Otherwise it's going to be a very hard for all of us.

I just still can't believe the news. Well, that's now right. I just won't believe. I just keep up the hope that Eric will get better. For crying out loud, he's just a few years older then my mom. He's daughter is so much younger then me and his son is about three years younger then me. It's not fair they would loose their father this early, is it? And it's certainly not fair he'd die right now, while he survived the cancer he got 18 years ago! It's not fair!

Talk to you later.......

Babbled by Ilse at 7:53 AM
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